I am heart sick and homesick to day. I dont know what makes me
feel so but I cant help it. I have tried not to give way to the
feeling but I cant feel cheerful. We are having another Norther and
it is very cold and windy outside but I am warm in my little house
for we have a good fire, but in spite of comfortable quarters I feel
lonely and down hearted. I am sick and tired of soldiering and wish
this mean war would end. When I think what I might enjoy if I was
at
home with you and the children I feel as though I had done enough
for our country especialy (sic) when I take into consideration that
we are cheated out of more than half our rations. We are getting
nothing now only some hard tack and some pork. No coffee, beans,
hominy(?), candles, -nass(?) nor any thing else. As good luck would
have it I have more than half a pound of tea left so I manage very
well. The soldiers are really starving just through the neglect of
those who should see that we have enough good food. Gen Benton has
complained to Washburn and Washburn has done the same to Banks and
has also sent a statement of affairs to the War department. Such a
botched up affair as this whole expedition is I never saw. I wish I
was with
Gen Grant for he never let his men starve only when it was
impossible to get provisions and then we men willing to suffer for
he always accomplished some thing. The agent of the U.S. Sanitary
Commission is here with a lot of good things. Do the "poor soldiers"
get any of them? Not one particle!!! In fact they are living off of
our rations and they said the officers are eating the jellies
of fruit and drinking the wine and they have all the flour they can
use. It makes me so mad I can almost curse the government that
allows such things, but I hold in. As my time draws to a close I
grow impatient and I feel as though I could fly to Illinois if I was
only free. I will never make a slave of my self again though if we
had good men in office I would be contented, but almost every man
who holds an office under government (?) in the army is a
drunkard. I called an officer a low lived son of a bitch night
before last for asking me to reenlist and he was so drunk he could
nt (sic) resent it. I will say no more for I will make you down
hearted but by the time you get this I shall probably be having a
better time and shall be more cheerful. As it is I dont know what I
should do if it were not for your sympathy and love and I need it
all every bit of it. I love you Hortense all the time and though you
know I am not a praying man yet I Thank God for giving me your love.
You are the only being in this world that can ever do any thing with
me and for your sake I try every day to be a better man. I dont
succeed very well for you know I have an awful temper but if I keep
trying I will get some better one of these days. Oh how I long to
clasp you in my arms again and show you how much I love you. I feel
sometimes as though my heart would burst with love for you. If you
didnt love me how dark and dreary my life would be. I shall be the
happiest mortal alive when I get home. I have not yet got any
letters since the regt left Port Esperanza (?) but I am in hopes to
in a day or two. A boat here just came in so I am in hopes we will
get some rations. Evening I have just had a cup of tea and some
parched corn so I feel in better humors(?), but I have nothing to
------ for all I have said is time though I would not write it to
every one. It still blows but I shall sleep warm for Pierce(?) went
on board of the Weissice(?) and stole some coal so we can keep the
fire all night. Oh how I wish I could crawl into your warm nest with
you and the cherubs(?). I shall feel fully recovered when I come
home for all I have endured if I find you well. It will be so
glorious to be with you again. Some of the soldiers made a raid on
the sutters today and took over $400.00 worth of eatables. I am glad
of it though I did not harm a head in it for they charged $0.75 per
lb for butter $0.75 for cheese, two cents a piece for small crackers
and so on for everything. I dont help in such scrapes because I dont
want to be disgraced on yours and the childrens account and I should
be if I was caught but if it was only my self who would suffer I
would "go in lemmons lemons. Kiss F& F for me.
I love you Hortense night and day, body(?) and soul(?), with all my
might mind and strength. Love to all who enquire after your aff but
unworthy husband. John M. Follett
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